Connecting with your partner – does it need to be on a deep intellectual level?
In our everyday interactions, we constantly reach out to connect with others. We make requests for emotional Connection, bids for attention, or simply bids.
A bid is a question, a statement, a look, a gesture, a touch – any expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.” We all have the need for Connection. The ‘bid’ is the fundamental building block of emotional communication, or, in other words, Connection.
When we speak about successful relationships, it is not so much in the ‘bidding’ that you want to excel – it is in the response to the bid where you win or lose the opportunity to connect with your partner. In our case – talking about intimate relationships – it means the difference between having a happy and fulfilled relationship, versus a relationship that is headed for divorce.
The aim for you is to fill your partner’s need for Connection at a level of 7, 8, 9 or 10 out of 10.
When psychologists first started studying the mysteries of successful relationships, they thought that the secret to great relationships was the willingness to disclose to your partner your deepest personal thoughts and experiences. Luckily for us, it turns out that there are very few exchanges about broken dreams, hidden fears, or unfulfilled sexual desires. When seeking to connect, there is no need for deep philosophical conversations.
It’s how we bid, and respond to, everyday mundane interactions about housework, kids, work, money, sex, what’s on TV, etc., that determines our success or failure in all our relationships, but especially in our intimate relationship.
Let me give you an example. If Elena wants to respond positively to my bid of: “What tea should I have today?”, she can simply say something (positive) that acknowledges my question, and reciprocates the level of communication or engagement. She can say: “How about Earl Grey?”, or “I know you will go for your classic choice of Tetley’s.”
Or anything in those lines.
But if she want to ignore me, she will choose to “respond” to my bid by looking away, walking out of the room, and completely ignoring my presence. This is called, you guessed it, ‘ignore’ response.
There is a third way to react – you can give a negative response. For example, “Not my problem!” or “You always worry about your tea first!” would be quite an unwelcoming remark. A negative response has a bite – it is mean and uncalled for.
But interestingly enough, it is the ignore response, or turning away from the bid, that carries the greatest amount of hostility.
Something to bear in mind: the way you react to your partner’s bids is indicative of the state of your relationship. But even more importantly: if you observe the way you interact with each other, you can make a pretty good guess where this relationship is heading.
Needless to say, when you respond to each other’s bids for attention in a positive way – and the magic number is at least eight out of ten times – you will be together for many years ahead.
Sources:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; John Gottman
Long Relationships: Cracking the Relationship Code; Elena and Trevor Long